A fear of flying
Ok this is outside my normal blog posting but as many people suffer from this problem and I have a lot of experience of dealing with the issue I thought I would write something. My fear is strong enough to cause me very severe physiological problems associated with a heightened state of torpor, severe distress and so on. My particular fear centers around being in the air, and not take off and landing like a lot of people. I am able to force myself to get on a plane and fly, however I’m not suggesting to do that is a sensible thing for someone that has a genuine problem.My fear of flying started back some time in the eighties. I was fortunate because my parents loved traveling and had a business that allowed them to pay for us as a family to go anywhere in the world. It came as a shock to me in later life that people I knew had not in some cases left the town they had grown up in, let alone England. I had managed to travel half way round the world. I had logged comparatively a lot of air miles by the time it kicked in really. I cant remember the exact point of which it happened. We flew into O’Hare in Chicago and I experienced a very bad pressure problem in my head due to the plane banking and dropping suddenly, which seemed to last forever as a child, but confirmed as at least a day. I also flew to Spain and seem to remember a very bad flight but no exact details. There was nothing substantial, no key moment.
I had a very substantial period during which I could not afford to fly anyway – being a student. It didn’t bother me at all during this period, I never thought about it. This lasted until about ten years ago when I was with a partner that flew for her job. To her the notion that someone could be afraid of flying was sheer nonsense. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my adult life and set myself back years by giving in to someone brow beating me into flying – and I would get over it once I was ‘up there’. We flew to Paris – business class. I turned up at the appointed time at Gatwick. Explaining the looming dread that hovers over you is very difficult. Its like an environment that encircles you. The fear eventually becomes all encompassing, blocking out all other thoughts and emotions. I drank a few drinks to little effect.
When I got on the plane I began to realise that I was not equipped mentally or physically to deal with the problem. As the plane climbed it took all my mental faculty to hold on to my sanity. I tried eating something at one point and it tasted just like cardboard which I can remember very clearly. The worst part came when I flew home, after a long weekend. My problem flared in the check in at Charles De Gaulle. My temper blew when I discovered there was a problem with luggage. Today I would have been arrested, but then I think some of the passengers took pity on me and helped get me to the front of the line and sorted out so we could get home. On the flight things deteriorated badly and during the half hour flight, I was locked into a fear cycle that would not let go, like a death grip. I described my state as like a piece of fruit that has gone through accelerated rotting – like those time lapse films. I sweated profusely and imaged that my smell had manifested as extreme body door. This in turn was annoying the other passengers, especially the guy that was sat next to me. I was a total mess by the time I reached England in what was a tiny flight – hardly worth the effort now with the Eurostar. The enormous mental strain of holding the torpor in check eventually broke like a dam on the train going back to Brighton where I lived. I had an enormous and particularly vicious argument with my partner. That was the beginning of the end for us now I look back. For her I think she lost all respect for me, I guess not acting like a man. For me I lost all respect for her having no sympathy for what was in my experience very frightening and really traumatic.
My road to recovery started when I had some cognitive therapy from a local health center in Brighton. The biggest mistake is to think that anything will cure you. It wont. The fear will ways be there. What is important is to have someone show you a perspective on what your state or paranoia is. It puts you back in the driving seat. You might be struggling still to control it, but its you that’s in control and not a distant communication from some dark place. I saw the cognitive therapy through, although at the time I did not actually fly until some time after. Eventually I broke up with my partner, who was I felt still piling on pressure to fly again.
Some five years ago I decided to take up a friends offer to go snowboarding. I also decided to try a drug solution to the problem. I went to my GP and asked for Tamazepam. This I discovered is a very good way of controlling the issues associated with a fear of flying. I did take what some would consider too much – three tablets on the way back, but to me it was a perfect solution. Tamazepam is very good at making people not care about things. If the plane actually did go down I would have been stuffed, but of course the reality is its by far the safest way of traveling. The hard edge of the fear and knock on bodily effects are completely removed. Its also nice knowing that you can ‘turn up the dial’ if needed, which in itself has a calming effect. Your back in control. I guess in a way I should really be searching for a drug free solution but for now it definitely does the trick. Im about to be booked for two weeks in Crete.
Tags: Aircraft, Behavioural, Cognitive, Disorder, Fear, Flying, Mental, Therapy
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